mutterings of nonsense

Dearest Ladies,

Today I have been doing a wonderful job of feeling rather sorry for myself. I have moped for no particular reason, fretted about my state of confusion regarding the future, dwelled on the physical distance between myself and the most important people in my life (which include your-dear-selves) and generally muttered despondently into my manky powder mix ‘caffe latte’.

I have come to the conclusion, having raised myself from ‘down in the dumps’ to ‘climbing out of the dumps’, that I am clearly being a lame fool and need a good kick up the arse. I have also established that my western ways are so deeply engrained in my being that it takes just one latte in one ‘Central Perk-type’ coffee shop for me to perk up and feel back in touch with my ‘homeland’. How crushingly embarrassing. And there I’ve been, munching rice with my fingers, sipping tea with 10 teaspoons of sugar (no, it’s not nice), and babbling away in foreign language (though not well enough to correct my horrid mistakes)…feeling like I’m quite getting the hang of all this… only to find that my inner-Starbucks is alive and fighting not to be forgotten. The shame… ;o)

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I have cultivated a personality that can’t reconcile its competing interests. Wanderlust and homebody are a funny mixture. And the further I feel from being in a position to decide what I want next, the more I seem to fret about it. I think I’m going to revert a little back to fate. Try to listen to the external signals, instead of expecting all the answers to come from inside… because if there are any answers coming from me, then they are so quiet that I can’t hear them….

But things are going well. I can now comfortably leave the house without my dictionary and not panic. This is good, as I spent the first few weeks in fear of losing it and being totally lost. I have also just done my timesheet… for the first time in 2.5 months (Marianne, I promise to be very good at it from now on!), put in an expenses claim, received the deposit back from the house I moved out of in January. It’s funny how getting on top of ones administration (darling) can be a very nice feeling sometimes.

Anyway, today serves to remind me particularly of one great truth about life. Things change, and they can change quickly. So if we are feeling down, as sure as anything we should not focus on feeling bad, because the roller coaster will take us in a different direction soon, to happy times to be made the most of.

Anyway, don’t worry I’m not quitting the day job to become an amateur philosopher. I’m going to stop spouting random thoughts and get back to immediate challenges. I need to get back to the hostel somehow, and wash some knickers for the rest of the week…

Lots & lots of love & hugs,

Zo xxxxxxxxxx